Movie Review: 13 Assassins

Japanese Samurai movies are some of the best films ever made. Even when they are bad they are good. I remember a climatic scene in an old black and white Samurai movie where the good guy cuts the bad guy across the abdomen. Blood sprayed out like a garden hose. It was so phony that it made me laugh even though it was supposed to be gross. Good stuff. Makes me want to watch Sword of Doom.

But there is a long tradition of excellence in Samurai movies. The Samurai trilogy starring Toshiro Mifune is a classic. I paid good money for this trilogy on DVD many years ago. Against my better judgment, I lent it out to someone and forgot who that was. Of course they never returned it even though I told them how precious this was to me. It's not that I'm bitter towards the sneaking, conniving thief. But stealing someone's favorite Samurai movie is lower than a snake's belly in a wheel rut. It's lower than seven tons of whale poop.

But I'm not bitter.

When I first saw the preview for 13 Assassins I knew I would have to see it. It was one of those limited release films that never made it here to Des Moines in spite of the fact that I wrote to one of our indie theaters and assured them that there would be no end to the lines if they got this movie in. Alas, they were not persuaded. I finally saw it earlier this week on Netflix.

There is the typical way Japanese dialogue works in a Samurai film. When a Samurai is excited he starts to sound angry. But his sentences come out in a rather unusual way. It's like he has five seconds to complete his sentence and then midway through realizes he has been speaking so slowly he has used up four of his seconds. To complete it in time, his pace speeds up dramatically and he gets louder so he can make sure you don't miss the important info at the end of the sentence. “We – must – recruit – that – RONINFOROURWORTHYCAUSE!”

But the main thing you watch Samurai movies for is the expert swordplay. In many of these films you can tell the actors have made some effort to study the sword. At least enough to make it look good on film. They say the sword is the soul of Japan. I have to say that 13 Assassins misses it on this account. Except for one scene the sword work just looks like random slashing. The plot of the movie is excellent and it resolves about how you would expect it to. But the sword play is disappointing.

Grade: B-. Worth seeing but not up to expectations.